


Shine A Light

by Mercy_Rhyne



Series: The Four Fics Of The Angst-pocalypse [2]
Category: Sanders Sides
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Suicide, alcohol mention, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Rhyne/pseuds/Mercy_Rhyne
Summary: After Fitting In, Logan is starting to doubt his importance to Thomas.





	Shine A Light

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Self loathing, self dout, alcohol mention, suicide mention/reference, implication of (attempted) suicide
> 
> Songfic based on Shine A Light (reprise) from Heathers

_Oh, look! Heather’s going to -  
Whine, whine, whine all night_

Wasn't he the smart one anymore? In previous videos, Logan had always been the one to use the most difficult words and sentences. He was the one that baffled the others with knowledge. But now, in the last video, Roman had been the one with the difficult words and clever observations. That was his thing, Roman was supposed to be the one with the good and creative ideas and many Disney references. He wasn't supposed to offer smart input. Logan was Logic; that was his job.  
That was his job, not Creativity's. If Roman - maybe the least smart one of the four sides - could take over Logan's job... that made him useless, didn't it? 

_You don't deserve to live_

What did he add to the last Sanders Sides video? A bit of humour, comic relief? A little amount of insight in the point Thomas was trying to make? A small bit of insight of how the others would fit into specific houses? That was hardly actual useful logic. That was hardly knowledge. That wasn't what he was supposed to offer. He had failed Thomas as his logical side. 

_Why not kill yourself?_

If Roman could do his job, what could Logan do? He wasn't good at coming up with creative ideas. He avoided emotions whenever he could. He didn't even sing! How was he supposed to be of any use to Thomas if he could only sit and watch as his functions were taken by other sides? 

_Here, have a sedative_

Why did he care so much? Why did he feel the way he did? He usually suppressed his feelings. Successfully, too, but this time, he couldn't. And it sucked. These feelings made his chest hurt, they made his stomach cramp and his heart clench. It felt bad, to say the least. There was a reason he always suppressed his feelings, after all. Logan could not imagine there were people who felt like this every day. How they managed, he didn't know. He barely managed one day.

_Whine, whine, whi-ine_  
_Like there's no Santa Clause_  
_You're pathetic because you whine!_  
_You whine all night!_

And these feelings remained as time passed. Logan tried to take his mind off of these thoughts. He tried to forget about them whenever he was around the others, whenever they did other videos. He tried his best not to bother the others with his problems, but he couldn’t help but feel like more of a burden. Every day, these feelings grew stronger. He didn’t matter. He couldn’t let Thomas have fun, he wasn’t good for Thomas. He wasn’t fun to be around, the others didn’t like him. All he was, was the smart one. They only thought of him as the smart one. And even that was taken away from him. Sure, it wasn’t too evident just now, but it would come one day. He knew that. 

_(Whine) Your ass is off the team._

If he could not just be logic and knowledge, if he couldn’t impress the others with his skills, then what was he? Patton was not just Thomas’ morality, he was his emotion; his heart. Roman did not only represent Thomas’ creativity, but also his love of performing and Disney, he was his hopes and dreams. Virgil was the reason Thomas tried to stay in contact with his friends, the reason he functioned properly, the reason he could get work done. What did he add? Logan represented his logical side, his knowledge. What else did he stand for? Nothing. He was nothing to Thomas but difficult words and the need, the want to learn. but he was nothing but that. Nothing but Logic. 

_(Whine) Go on and bitch and moan._

Without him, Thomas would still function. Virgil could still drive Thomas to research new things. Roman could still find creative ways for Thomas to use his knowledge. Patton would still be able to direct Thomas’ sense of morality. Without Logan, nothing would change. Someone else could even take over his task, if needed. No one would miss him. 

_(Whine) You don't deserve to dream_

What was the point in living if they could replace him anyways? He could leave at any given point and no one would even miss him. He had thought about it for a while. Logan was slightly embarrassed to say that he even knew where Virgil kept his sleeping pills, for if he really didn’t see any other option. He knew there was wine and maybe even beer in the kitchen. It was not a lot, but there was enough there, he knew that. He was very hesitant to even think of it but he knew it was there. If he really needed it. 

_(Whine) You're gonna die alone_

Today had been a bad day. Nothing had happened, but Logan just felt really bad this particular day. Patton had tried to cheer him up - it failed; the fatherly side’s enthusiastic behaviour didn’t make Logan’s mood better. It might even have made it worse. Sure, he appreciated the effort, but he just... didn’t need it. He didn’t need pity. He didn’t need help. He didn’t need anything. There was only one thing he craved at that point, but he tried his best to not think of it. 

_Die alone_

He failed. No matter how much he tried to avoid it, his mind knew what he wanted. 

_Die alone_

When he saw Virgil was in the common room for once, Logan went to the anxious trait’s room. He walked to his nightstand and searched until he found the small container he was looking for. Logan closed the drawer and quickly left the room again. 

_Die alone_

He waited until the others went to their rooms that night. Logan knew Virgil would stay up browsing the Internet for a few hours - he knew this, because he saw the posts he posted online in the middle of the night. This would mean it would be a while before Virgil noticed the small jar of pills was missing. That would give Logan enough time. When everyone was in their room, Logan sneaked to the kitchen and searched for the alcoholic drinks. After a short search, he had found them and he picked up everything he could carry. Logan poured himself a few glasses of the beverage, opened the jar of pills and emptied it in his hand. 


End file.
